Marine Corps Humor: USMC vs. USN

Gunfights USMC V. USN
Recommended by: MSgt J. R. Cook, Ret.

USMC Rules for Gun fighting:

  • Bring a gun. Preferably two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
  • Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  • Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
  • Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
  • If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
  • In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
  • If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
  • Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. “All skill is in vain when an angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket.”
  • Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
  • Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  • Have a plan.
  • Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.
  • Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
  • Flank your adversary when possible and always protect yours.
  • Never drop your guard.
  • Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
  • Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust…everyone else keep your hands where I can see them).
  • Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH…hesitation kills.
  • The faster you finish the fight, the less injured you will get.
  • Be polite. Be professional. And have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  • Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
  • Your number one option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
  • Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun the caliber of which does not start with a “4.”
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    Short Stories From Heterich

    Short Stories from Heterich

    Herterich’s Autobiography

    Joined A-Tks in 1952. After a short tour at ‘8th & V Joined 2nd Tks in late ’53’ just as they were receiving the new ‘M-48’. Over the next three years served in ‘A’ & ‘B’ ending with ‘Flames’. On my fitness report I asked for ‘Panama’, everyone said ‘You will never get it’, I did the next three years at Mar.Bks. 15th Naval District [Panama]. While in ‘Panama’ I put ‘1st Mar.Div.’ on my fitness report, againyou will never get it. ‘Everyone goes to camp lejeune’, when the orders came ——1st Tank Bn.. Three yearsthe first half with ‘Flames’, the second half with ‘H&S Co. Property [Supply]’ in the ‘Butler Bldg.’ above the ‘C.P.’. A year with ‘3rd Tanks’Flames. Back to ‘Camp Pendleton’ with ‘School Bn.’ on the ‘Ramp’ in the ‘Tool Room’. Against my wishesThree years Recruiting in Philadelphia. The next set of orders put me in ‘VN’SIXTY-SEVEN DAYS OVER AND BACK. The left eye ended up in the South China Sea, the Navy was kind enough to replace it with one with a beautiful MARINE CORPS EMBLEM. The new eye on occasion has raised some eyebrows. After the Hospital, back to School Bn.Tank School #407 & Machine Ranges. On one occasion during a ‘IG’ a Colonel inspecting [troops in ranks], stopped in front of me. Took one look at the ‘eye’, and that was the end of his inspecting the troops. Why he left I do not know! Retired ‘Not Fit for Duty in My Rank with 40% disability. read more

    Contributions of the Irish

    Contributions of the Irish
    provided by 1stLt Gerald Merna

    While this recent St. Patrick's Day email message forwarded from my Brother Jim (who got it from his friend who received the original) is a 'tad' long, it is not only priceless but also chock-full of colorful Marine Corps History that many of us, including me, were not aware of. I'd bet your Marine readers and their families would love to know, recall or learn of these historical gems of Irish Marine lore, humorously related as only a real Irishman could. (For privacy reasons, I have omitted the name of personal friends of the writer. The writer is a senior retired Marine Corps Officer). read more

    Boot Camp Joke

    Recruit gone AWOL

    As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?” read more

    The Lobster Song

    Does anyone remember this song?
    Submitted by: Steve Bosshard 2095724 ’64-’68 RVN

    Sgt. Grit,
    In your May 27th Newsletter a Sgt Wackerly BB64 USS Wisconsin ’53-’56 talked about the Lobster Song. I think this might be the one he and his buddies used to sing in the slop chute at Gitmo I was tens later and we used to sing “I’m moving on.” Sample: See Victor Charlie in the grass playing burp gun boogie on my young ass, I’m moving on, I’ll soon be gone.I’m hauling ass I’m getting gas I’ll soon be gone.(or something like that) Does any one out there know all the choruses? read more

    Marine Corps S.O.S. Recipes

    S.O.S.

    Submitted by: E. Wickenheiser

    It’s said that an Army fights well on a full stomach and the Marine Corps is no exception. Always and foremost, in training or in combat, the breakfast meal is number one. For every “grunt”, “airedale” and/or “pinky” at the start of the workday. Breakfast is the link to “making it” that day, and “a breakfast without SOS is like a day without sunshine.” read more

    Murphy’s Laws of Combat

    Murphy’s Laws of Combat
    Recommended by: Jim Cook

  • Recoiless rifles…aren’t.
  • Suppressive fire…..won’t.
  • Friendly fire…..isn’t.
  • Automatic weapons….aren’t.
  • Incoming fire has right-of-way.
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • When in doubt, empty the magazine.
  • A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of telling you it’s time to slow down.
  • Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  • Anything you do can get you shot…including doing nothing.
  • Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  • Professionals are predictable, amateurs are dangerous.
  • The easy way is always mined.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
  • If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
  • If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
  • No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
  • No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
  • Communications will always fail the moment you need air or artillery support.
  • If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  • You are not Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)
  • Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose; they are both right.
  • Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire (This is why aircraft carriers are called bomb magnets.
  • All five-second grenade fuses will brun down in three seconds.
  • If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short
  • The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
  • The important things are always simple
  • The simple things are always hard
  • When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
  • If the enemy are in range, SO ARE YOU.
  • Beer math is: Two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
  • Body count math is: Two guerrillas plus one portable plus two pigs equal 37 enemy KIA
  • Things that must be together to work, usually can’t be shipped together.
  • Tracers work BOTH ways.
  • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take
  • Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs
  • Murphy was a grunt.
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